After being pronounced cancer free in 2013, I was full of joy and I was glad this was over. I hadn’t realized how much the recovery process had taken a toll on me, from the amnesia that completely took over from the time I started chemotherapy. Sleeping throughout the whole night became a stranger to me until I was put on sleeping pills by my Oncologist, which later on also had me to be asleep all day. There was a lot of imbalance both physically and emotionally but at the time I didn’t know what this was doing to my mental heath.
The thing about mental illness is, it comes from a collection of a few events in our lives. We don’t feel it building up and when a few signs show up, we ignore them. In my case, I wasn’t even paying attention and quite honestly at age 20, no one either in Rwanda or in my circle talked about mental health. It wasn’t a topic then.
In the midst of being sleep deprived, I had to face things like my hair falling off, an absurd amount of body fat escaping my body and taking away every bit of confidence in how I looked, I remember going through the hospital corridor with my head bowed so I don’t have to make eye contact with everyone looking at me. They probably didn’t even care about me, people there had their own businesses to mind.
This continued even when I came back home, I avoided any social situation and I just wanted to isolate myself.
Fast forward.
It’s now been 2years, it’s 2015 I have gone back to what seemed like a normal life; I was working, taking a short course but in all of this something just didn’t feel right. I was in an emotional distress, which sometimes interfered with my daily functioning. I tried creating joy and that always left me feeling even more tired. Late night outings, going to the club 3-4 days a week, thank God I wasn’t drinking because that would have been something else. So basically clubbing, and social gatherings become my refuge. Oh and food, while everyone else thought I was picking up all the weight I had lost fast and that was a good sign physically but emotionally I was stressing eating.
At home nobody understood what I was going through, and I can’t blame them because neither did I. I would find myself crying over something so little like breaking a nail. When someone would annoy me, I would cry like I’d just been stabbed. But that’s sorrow from everything I had gone through that piled itself. Never had I cried during everything I went through, I would just find something to distract my mind from thinking about it.
Mid 2015, I decided to do something, quite uncommon to our culture, but I started going for counseling. I took the initiative after my 6thpanic attack during the night that left me feeling like I can’t go on like this. The first panic attack was the most terrifying experience I had ever lived; mind you I had just had cancer. I had had multiple anxieties and panic attacks episodes. Going for counseling was one of the best decisions I had ever made and I am glad we had a center in Rwanda.
Since then, thanks to my very successful sessions, life was just bliss. I lived again because see before I was just existing. Excitement come back again, I started making life goals. It’s like I become a whole new person.
Counseling/therapy has the power to bring us to self. It makes us open doors in our minds that will lead to healing. And healing unlocks our future.
Anyways, A week ago, I developed a minor depression episode with everything that’s been going on”
The COVID-19 pandemic has put me away from my friends and family and knowing personally people who had been tested positive for the virus.
The country lost a dear person to a lot of people, Rest in peace Virgil. And a lot of my friends lost family members.
We entered the 26thcommemoration of the genocide against the Tutsi. I was up all night, reading testimonies and they were truly horrifying.
IT WAS A LOT FOR MY BRAIN.
One night in particular, I couldn’t get myself to sleep. I was feeling anxious and worried. I almost had a panic attack and was able to stop it. Now that I am well aware of this, I’ve been able to feel it coming and I stop it and this is something I learnt during counseling. After years of trying to overcome this, the devil saw an open door and tried to sweep in. Realizing this, I had to make the conscious decision to spend fewer hours on social media and focus on better hobbies like reading and writing.
Revelation 12:11
I hope you stay encouraged but this as you stay safe at home. Thank you for reading.
XO
