Let’s talk about MENTAL HEALTH This is my story

After being pronounced cancer free in 2013, I was full of joy and I was glad this was over. I hadn’t realized how much the recovery process had taken a toll on me, from the amnesia that completely took over from the time I started chemotherapy. Sleeping throughout the whole night became a stranger to me until I was put on sleeping pills by my Oncologist, which later on also had me to be asleep all day. There was a lot of imbalance both physically and emotionally but at the time I didn’t know what this was doing to my mental heath.

The thing about mental illness is, it comes from a collection of a few events  in our lives. We don’t feel it building up and when a few signs show up, we ignore them. In my case, I wasn’t even paying attention and quite honestly at age 20, no one either in Rwanda or in my circle talked about mental health. It wasn’t a topic then.

In the midst of being sleep deprived, I had to face things like my hair falling off, an absurd amount of body fat escaping my body and taking away every bit of confidence in how I looked, I remember going through the hospital corridor with my head bowed so I don’t have to make eye contact with everyone looking at me. They probably didn’t even care about me, people there had their own businesses to mind.

This continued even when I came back home, I avoided any social situation and I just wanted to isolate myself.

Fast forward.

It’s now been 2years, it’s 2015 I have gone back to what seemed like a normal life; I was working, taking a short course but in all of this something just didn’t feel right. I was in an emotional distress, which sometimes interfered with my daily functioning. I tried creating joy and that always left me feeling even more tired. Late night outings, going to the club 3-4 days a week, thank God I wasn’t drinking because that would have been something else. So basically clubbing, and social gatherings become my refuge. Oh and food, while everyone else thought I was picking up all the weight I had lost fast and that was a good sign physically  but emotionally I was stressing eating.

At home nobody understood what I was going through, and I can’t blame them because neither did I. I would find myself crying over something so little like breaking a nail. When someone would annoy me, I would cry like I’d just been stabbed. But that’s sorrow from everything I had gone through that piled itself. Never had I cried during everything I went through, I would just find something to distract my mind from thinking about it. 

Mid 2015, I decided to do something, quite uncommon to our culture, but I started going for counseling. I took the initiative after my 6^thpanic attack during the night that left me feeling like I can’t go on like this. The first panic attack was the most terrifying experience I had ever lived; mind you I had just had cancer. I had had multiple anxieties and panic attacks episodes. Going for counseling was one of the best decisions I had ever made and I am glad we had a center in Rwanda.

Since then, thanks to my very successful sessions, life was just bliss. I lived again because see before I was just existing. Excitement come back again, I started making life goals. It’s like I become a whole new person.

Counseling/therapy has the power to bring us to self. It makes us open doors in our minds that will lead to healing. And healing unlocks our future.

Anyways, A week ago, I developed a minor depression episode with everything that’s been going on”

             The COVID-19 pandemic has put me away from my friends and family and knowing personally people who had been tested positive for the virus.

         The country lost a dear person to a lot of people, Rest in peace Virgil. And a lot of my friends lost family members.

         We entered the 26^thcommemoration of the genocide against the Tutsi. I was up all night, reading testimonies and they were truly horrifying.

                              IT WAS A LOT FOR MY BRAIN.

  One night in particular, I couldn’t get myself to sleep. I was feeling anxious and worried. I almost had a panic attack and was able to stop it. Now that I am well aware of this, I’ve been able to feel it coming and I stop it and this is something I learnt during counseling. After years of trying to overcome this, the devil saw an open door and tried to sweep in. Realizing this, I had to make the conscious decision to spend fewer hours on social media and focus on better hobbies like reading and writing. 

         And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death                                           

Revelation 12:11

I hope you stay encouraged but this as you stay safe at home. Thank you for reading. 

XO